Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Day Ten: Inertia? I hardly know her!

See, inertia's the problem. At least today. After a week of nearly total inaction, I'm trying to spring into action and not springing very well. This is the downside of the deadbeat lifestyle choice. When you want to do something, actually want to achieve something, well, then that's when it gets tricky. I'm back in my apartment, and I suppose I should be preparing better to move out, but I'm not really sure where to start. How do you start to unravel eight years' worth of stuff, of life, especially when so much of it, you're happy just to chuck? You don't, apparently. You look at the mess, throw up your hands and play with your computer some more. At least, that's what I do.

In the back of my head, I know I should cut myself some slack (I guess). I'm still a bit in vacation mode, in "blow it off" mode, in true deadbeat mode, putting my faith in the universe to help resolve some of this stuff. Is it just a matter of getting off my duff and getting to it? Maybe. Maybe some.

But, it's also, in the larger sense, what do I want my life to look like. How do I want to live it. I've lived most of the last decade in a certain way: full, full days, rushing from place to place, stacking up appointments and plans, squeezing things in where I can, and not taking a whole lot of time just to sit around and watch t.v. or even to just sit around. Is what I'm feeling now the residue of that? The urge to revert to that? Or is that life a better life for me? One that I want to live? I just don't know. I just don't.

This blog is turning into...what? Therapy? My journal? It's funny. I've always been bad about making journal entries. I'm better about this (so far). Why? Because someone, somewhere might just read it? I don't follow through unless it's public? I don't know! So many things that I don't know!

But, I do know this: I'll figure them out. Won't I? Won't I?


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